saD aNd disCouRaGe

I feel bad for even expressing my feelings right now

cause I feel that I could somehow fall into being ungrateful, which I am NOT; however, I write my heart out, seem to me that the keyboard and the screen are always there for me.

Last year (2004) was an extremely difficult year for me in which I was put under an enourmous pressure from people.
I breathed, ate, saw, heard, and dreamed, restrictions.
My actions had not been right, and the discipline was correct, but a year later it SEEMS like nothing has changed, except my intentions and my mindset.
It seems to me that people is living always in rememberance of the past,
while disregarding the meaning of mercy and grace.
I guess that I just gotta let it go and simply live my life, but if only it was that simple...

This was supposed to be my birthday weekend,
but it ended up being just another unsmooth, confusing weekend to hang out with people.
I think that part of it is cause I do miss my family,
and I was expecting way too much from the people around me-
I thought the weekend would have been more special and memorable, something different.
But it wasn't, and that sort of discourages me. This is not about seeking guilty people, cause that's irrelevant.
Friday passed by, Saturday was a little rough, and today, tuesday, the day will just fade away and another busy week will be officially underway.
discussions, more pointless arguments, more apologies to give and receive, than kind words and warm feelings.
I truly didn't want this year to go by unnoticed, but it did, and in the end I am the only one to blame for this.
There is a set of situations that led to this point last night. It simply wasn't the right way. It was, somehow, pushed and manipulated, but not in a bad way.

Everything I had planned had to be changed, and even though I understand the reasons, those reasons seem unreasonable.
I mean, it's not just another weekend we are celebrating,
it is- was- my 2oth year of life.
It seems, up to this point in my writing, that I am looking for the approval of the people, and the celebration of the people, and that I am not focusing on being thankful to God for everything I have,
but that's not the case.
I am expressing my heart in the best, most prudent way possible.
Yesterday the attention was for anything else other than the point itself,
which was a small celebration with the closest people to me, but do not confuse this with me being resentful for not "getting attention,"
it's just that this is one of the things that made it just another hang out. I felt it to be too random and too shallow,
and I didn't want that.
Then, restrictions and regulations, and I do not say that there shouldn't be, but I am anadult already
and I am not what I used to be.
I am not saying that I am capable of withstanding the flesh by myself, but please, no once can for that matter.
I am only saying that there shouldn't be so much skepticism and such a firm grip on the situation. I
have been honest and I have even told my fellow senior when I had slipped.
I tried to be as transparent as I could with everyone around me, meaning my leaders, but it seems that nothing has changed.

One year went by, I tried to extend the wait with a good intention in my mind, then someone told me some truth,
I was convinced that grace, and not rules, are the ones that make a difference, but it seems that some people do not think that way, and I respect that. Rules, rules, rules... and doubts.

Is that really my daily life? I just think it's better to laugh at things than to get pissed over them. I'd rather remember dull and ugly situations with laughter in my heart, than with bitterness, but I also understand their point.
I am, in reality, sorry and repented, no matter how innocent it might be.
This is just another thing in which we do not see eye to eye,
I just see how you act differently when it comes to other people, but your family... hmmm, let's not even go there. Just another (one more, of many) gaps in the bridge that might, somehow, bring us together. It seems that more things separate us than unite us. But I do admit that some comments might not have been prudent, given the fact that there was someone in the vehicle that is not so trustworthy, or so I hear. But the discussion gets prolongued, and takes an ugly turn, in which we find ourselves disrespecting each other raising our voices and making statements that are not of God. I am also sorry for that, if I fell into this. The thing is that it is better, for me, to laugh and be blunt and open about eveything, than to keep everything so serious and formal. Once again, we differ. After all this that I've expressed,
I know I am a blessed woman and I know that God is in control of all the situations that take place in the world.

I am closer to reaching my 2othbirthday, and I look back in my life and all I can see are good things coming out of bad moments. I see sadness that turned into joy,
and I saw confusing times convert to a clear future.
My past is plagued with bad memories, but all that stands out is God's grace,
and His loving hand picking me and my family up. After all, Lord, thank you for letting me live, for blessing my life, and for knowing the people I know.

Thank you for the difficult moments,
for my bad attitudes that, even though You do not approve,
You allow them to take place so that I can be broken by Your caring hand, and then I am able to look up to You and say I am sorry... thanks for another year of life, may I celebrate in my heart the wonders
You are about to do.


without wax

idha